Happiness and Sadness

The Golden Oink Oink.




Another Lunar New Year is here and this time, its a little different because it's also Enzo's first CNY. It's also a little different because I cant celebrate it with J. As bittersweet as it all is, I am determined to make it a great and positive year for me. Being surrounded by family, love and a godson has been a strange ride for me. I can't help but feel deep loneliness, pride in my self, love and a determination to be ok, be wonderful, be positive. My wish for this year is to just to end each day with gusto, love and acomplishment. In the meantime, the top 3 things I did this CNy is:

1) Blackjack
2) Eat
3) Sleep

Ah Jo..

Last night I made the choice to see J perform in his opening night. It was not an easy decision to make as we have not seen each other since the break-up. Although I have been handling things pretty well and moving forward, I feared how my heart would take seeing him again. But I so wanted to support him and see him in this play. It means just as much to me that he does well as it does to him. I do not know why I feel this way, but I do. I guess it just shows me how much I still love him. I was proud of him last night. I was and am proud of his drive, depite his inner conversations, to pursue his dreams and passion. He was wonderful

When our eyes met when he came out after the performance, I felt a surge of emotions and I fought to control back the tears. It was heartbreaking and yet wonderful. It was painful and yet comforting. I always feel at home with J and I guess I'll always will. We came togther again so easily as friends and two people who care for each other it was almost cruel. It made me think though, how life is full of uncertainties and tests. Here is one person, I truly love and respect. A person I can totally be myself with and yet, the relationship cannot be. Only I know the depth of how much I love this person and therefore my willingness to set him free. My friend F said, "Its funny how you and J are so good togther and enjoy each other's company and yet you are not, and me and my hubby are so wrong for each other, and tolerate each other's company only and yet we are married."

Maybe its timing, maybe its fate. Maybe we will come to certain realisations one day. Maybe not. If its meant to be, it will. In the meantime, I do not hope because hope will kill my spirit bit by bit. I know, I just have to let things be, move forward in my life and let the chips fall as they may.