Cheong Soh

It HAS been a coupla weeks. But I have been too busy and too tired to think about what to write.. It is now 5 days til show time and I think I have learnt more about myself in this play in the last few rehearsals then in the last few months. My grasp of the role Cheong Soh has always been a tough one for me. My understanding of her and my interpretation of her has always sat with uncertainty within my psyche. Is she a traditional woman, with a front to show, hard, with walls that have built over the years. Angry at the world because of a man who has left her with a child to bring up on her own at a time where this would be shameful. Or is she a mother who has dreams, a gentle side, saddened and resigned a so called life has been dealt to her. Who is she?
I have struggled with my potrayal of her. On Saturday, my scene (4) with Mei Ling was abruptly cut which left me feeling even more insecure about my ability as an actor and my ability to feel like this woman and become this woman. Joe-" This scene is in trouble....". I asked Johann if I really sucked as an actor. This left me with sleepless nights thinking about what's left of my remainding scenes and how I should play my BIG scene with Mei Ling. A key scene that sets the mood and tone for the rest of the play. A scene whereby if played poorly will leave you cold and unfeeling towards the eventual fate of the character. What was going on? What was I afraid of? What was getting in the way?
I came to certain realisations on Sunday night. I AM IN THE WAY. All my fears are manifested in the form of Cheong Soh. My fears of ending up like this
bitter.. old...ugly...colourless..hard...grey...woman...
I have subconciously rejected this role and have not given Cheong Soh a chance. Right from the start. Yup. My shit is in the way. And once I realised that, I stepped out of the way and allowed Cheong Soh to emerge. I had to put me aside and allow me to be her. To feel the bitterness and anger without fearing how it made me, Maybel, feel. To also recognise my fears and harness that energy towards my performance.

Last night I gave the performance of my life. It was real and honest. I was ok with Cheong Soh and allowed her to step up to the plate.
My cast members were truly moved. Joe said it was a "stunning performance." Carol asked me "Why did you not do this before?".
Because I did not allow it to happen.

Acting is NOT easy...